On ANTM the other day there was a girl name Marjorie, she was always nervous and had no self confidence whatsoever. It really made me think about how I felt about myself. I can't say that I really like myself. I don't think I'm pretty, my friends always say I am but I never believe them. I always pretend that I don't care what other people think about me but the truth is I care...a lot. It's actually what I think about most. There are these girls at my school who are so adorable and they have the cutest syles. I wish I could dress like they do. I just worry to much about what people think about me so I never can. It's really pathetic actually. I always tell myself "well Ivy today is the last time you're really going to care what other people think" but I know it's not true. I will always care. I'm just going to have to learn to care less. And worry about making myself happy and not worry about making other people happy because it's not my job. They can talk about me if they want. Sure it will hurt and I'll be really upset. But whatever I'll get over it eventually.

Ugh change my life?

I really don't know how to explain my life right now. I want to say out of control but that's not really it. If my life was out of control there would be some kind of change and something exciting perhaps. That's not the case at all though. I do the same thing every day. I get up, go to school. Pretend to like half the people. Come home. Do my homework. (maybe) I get on the computer. Dread the arrival of my little brother. Get in a screaming match with him. Get yelled at. Eat dinner. Take a shower. Go to my room to escape the hell that my life has become. And go to sleep. That's every single day. Not even on the weekends has it change for quite some time. I just wish there would be some change. Maybe my brother would be more tolerable. Maybe I won't want to hurt my brother all the time. Maybe my dad will care more about no just shutting my little sister up but actually whether or not what he's making us do is what we want. I really hate my little sister right now. Maybe my parents will stop with the whole favorites thing. I really feel like I'm the least favorite some of the time. I know that's never true. parents love you all equally. But we all know that's bullshit. No parent loves all their kids equally. I do get to spend time with my parents and I love it and when it's just us it's amazing. And then we get home and there's the favorite and it's Ivy who? again. My mom always brings little presents home for Calvin or Elsa. She's always ordering things for them, but right now there's this shirt I want and she won't get it for me. Which really pisses me off. Whatever things won't change, they never do. I'll just have suck it up and continue making people think that I'm that happy girl they met back in middle school. Fuck this.